[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
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Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading