@dave_cactus

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

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@LovingIust

I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.

@stephenjmolloy

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

@CheetohFace

The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I’m not sure they even know what they’re doing anymore, you guys.

@Book_Krazy

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

@SortaBad

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

@brendanmcginley

Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.

@david8hughes

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry