I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
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A deer, a female deer.
A hunter, with a gun.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I’m not sure they even know what they’re doing anymore, you guys.
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.