[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
god: it also makes quiche
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
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VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”
Yes. Yes, you do.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again