Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
X-tra spooky blend
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem鈥檚 Wife: I have a headache
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Kevin Hart 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can鈥檛 believe he didn鈥檛 bake his cheesecake in a water bath
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Somebody鈥檚 lying.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend鈥檚 house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you鈥檙e okMe when I was 10: I鈥檓 off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner鈥檚 at 5