@Amusitr0n

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

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@CAshmanActor

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

@AndrewNadeau0

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

@SteveDutzy

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

@TheBeerGuy73

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

@Vodkantots

A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”

@AndrewsNotFunny

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

@Bob_Janke

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

@JH_Moncrieff

“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”

Yes. Yes, you do.

@KentWGraham

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again