Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
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Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Matt Goss
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
True
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body