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The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that