sign your emails with “best regrets” and see if they notice

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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.


the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs


I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.


I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.


Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.


New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.


The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.


Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.


Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me


I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.