@Angibangie

sign your emails with “best regrets” and see if they notice

You Might Also Like

@metickleu

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

@hippieswordfish

the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

@MrsFancyPants77

I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.

@The_MartiniGirl

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

@indecision

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@Cheeseboy22

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me

@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.