Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her