Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.