@mulva74

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

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@Gupton68

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

@Dani_Feld

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

@climaxximus

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

@msdanifernandez

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

@suburbanified

Me: (In the shower)

Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

@cravin4

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

@KeetPotato

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

@Stablebuddy198

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”