Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

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I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.


Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.


Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.


wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear


If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”


Me: (In the shower)

Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?


Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.


kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”


“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”