Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.