[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Still my favourite meme.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.