[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
🙁
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx