*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
You Might Also Like
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Pringles
Accurate
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.