{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
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Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
men are simple creatures
That’s no pocket rocket.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.