[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
You Might Also Like
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th