My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
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All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.
I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?