@PaperWash

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

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@Brianhopecomedy

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

@Palumbros

All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.

@SouthrnPinUpMom

I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”

@TheWeirdWorld

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

@FabMommy29

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

@chuuew

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

@browneyegirl9

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

@MattMcC1

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@pro_worrier_

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?