Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Become ungovernable.