I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?