It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground