When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network “HELP, I’M STILL ALIVE!”
SIGNS YOUR HOUSE IS
HAUNTED BY A SHY GHOST:
* tea cozies slightly askew
* light clinking of paperclips heard in empty rooms
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I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.
Signs that your wife is cheating on you:
1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else’s
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.