* tea cozies slightly askew
* “???”
* light clinking of paperclips heard in empty rooms

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When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network “HELP, I’M STILL ALIVE!”


Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.


Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude


I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.


She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.



1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.


@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.


I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.