Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators


Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.


My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”


Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*


My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.


I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.


[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”


Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.


Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]