@SoulYodeler

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

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@weinerdog4life

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

@jmhuntsinger

Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.

@Breadery

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

@ClichedOut

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

@BombChelleMama

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

@Lisabug74

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

@crocodilethumbs

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]