*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

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Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.


[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again


*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.


ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood


A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.


No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.


I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.


me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute



Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?