*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

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Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares


Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.


me: I’m tired

Medieval Physician: Ok I’m gonna cut you open to drain your blood

me: Maybe I could rest

MP: haha no I’m cutting your veins


*During traffic stop

Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”

Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”

C: “Yes, him!”

M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”

C: *Stun guns me*


Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?


Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?


“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”


INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs


I just read a short, astounding opening sentence that employs a semicolon, so that it will alienate all those who are put off by semicolons, but uses it incorrectly, so that it will also alienate those who aren’t.


*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.


Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.