Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
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Meanwhile in London.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
E: My name is..
E: Hi! My name is..