*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch