I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
*serious situation*
My brain:
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Cinematography is my passion
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*