Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
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if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea