Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
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When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.