signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
You Might Also Like
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Important reminders
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded