Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.