Weirdos gonna weird.
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if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I needed a laugh this morning.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.