Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,

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The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house


There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.


I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”


Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.


#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.


ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is


The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)


Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.


Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]