The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
All is calm,
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My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
[ new burger joint ]
Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town
Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Dog: (confused dog look)
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)