[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
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HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.