My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.