[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!



nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.


You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.


Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking


What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers


Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you


health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)


Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce


I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.


How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.