Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅