Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
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Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.