Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

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Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?

Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.


friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting


One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.


Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro


Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.

Now its coffee after 5 pm.


Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks