has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Breaking news:
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar