@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

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@BassoonJokes

u?op ?p?sdn p?u?n?-p?dd??? ?ob ???? ??
?o? ?noq? ??? ??o?s ? s? s??? ‘?ou

@ComedicBust

Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?

Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.

@captainkalvis

friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting

@leechee420

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

@OneLastStranger

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.

Now its coffee after 5 pm.

@aparnapkin

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks