@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

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@OtherDanOBrien

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

@primawesome

Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.

@KMoFlo_official

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

@mattZillaaaa

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

@sir_shithead_I

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

@dad_on_my_feet

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

@doccy_style

Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?

@ehdannyboy

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

@TheBoydP

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.