We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
You Might Also Like
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The human personality is made of five key elements
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?