Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
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I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.