Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
You Might Also Like
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Make new friends? bro out of what?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now