@Pandamoanimum

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

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@FattMernandez

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

@shegotagronk

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

@realHamOnWry

[Deathbed Confession]

I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.

@david8hughes

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

@degg

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

@ByrdMan0914

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

@sixthformpoet

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

@nealbrennan

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.