Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Stop.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Yup
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.