1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

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HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight


H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?


Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.


me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY


I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.


I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes


Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.


I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.


“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.


anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ