@dave_cactus

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

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@AnniemuMary

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

@50ShadesGran

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

@Cheeseboy22

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

@Slims_Ramblings

Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.

@ibid78

-What should we name this creature w/ big feet?
“Bigfoot”
-And this w/ saber teeth?
“Sabertooth”
-And this beaverduck?
“Platypus”
-wtf dude

@Dutch_50

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.