Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
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Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
🤣😂🤣
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I hope Alan is OK
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.