If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.
[making small talk at a party]
Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.
Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.