@ObscureGent

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

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@TheBoydP

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

@TheAndrewNadeau

If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.

@Dawn_M_

[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”

@BoutCrazed

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

@BoobsRadley

“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.

@KenJennings

Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.

@WilliamAder

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

@LizHackett

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.