Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
this FaceApp is creepy af
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.