Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Why is this me 😫
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Are you a cat person or a person person?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe