On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Accurate