Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

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Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.


Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”


*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”


[my wife and I watch a drunk white girl fall out of a cab]

I’ve never drank that much….

[wife looks at me in disgust]

ugh, ok I have.


My hangover has been going on for so long that I’m beginning to wonder if Peter Jackson directed it.


When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.


[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning


[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes


I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.