@nicfit75: Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I've never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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@bdbdleeroybrown: Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
@sofarrsogud: [TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave
@InternetHippo: With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off
@ThugRaccoons: Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Did I mention I'm a vegan? Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa Me: I'm a vegan