Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

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[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?


I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.


If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.


Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.


Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.


I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.


Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.


My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair