Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
ibopfufen
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Google assistant rules
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.