@Chhapiness

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

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@copymama

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

@qikipedia

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

@TheBoydP

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

@Dawn_M_

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

@RodLacroix

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

@Robski_Boy

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

@djdarrellripley

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair