Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*Making a cake*
Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?
Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.
11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I like to avoid confusion by making it weird from the beginning.
I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen