@krissywillbretz

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

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@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”

@joshgondelman

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

@Mechaniz10

*Making a cake*

Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?

Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.

11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.

@KamharidaMinaa

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

@mrjohndarby

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

@asaltiercorpse

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.

@mack44_d

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen