Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes