Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
British websites use biscuits.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Living the best life.. 😊
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”