Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

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You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor


Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes


Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”


Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.


People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.


“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet


Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.


If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up