Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.