Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
#titanic
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Tastes like chicken.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.