Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

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Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.


That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.


Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.


“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.


Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?


Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.


“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows


Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.


So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?