Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
happy friday
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.