Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.