Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I am HOWLING at this
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.