Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
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Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Yeah. This was me today.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!