My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too