me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.