I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.
Since we’re not trick or treating this year, I’m making the kids run around the block every time they want candy.
Related, you can eat eat 12 fun-size snickers in the time it takes your kids to run around the block.
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.