Since we’re not trick or treating this year, I’m making the kids run around the block every time they want candy.

Related, you can eat eat 12 fun-size snickers in the time it takes your kids to run around the block.

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I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.


“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”


It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.


I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.


Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.


The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.


I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.


Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old


Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.