No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.