Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!