Since when did ‘scrotum brown’ become a cool colour to buy a jeep in?

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Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.


ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.


GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-


I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn


Interviewer: why should we hire you?

Me: so I can pay my rent


Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.


So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Monterrey Jack


Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.


Her: How do you get girls?

Me: I’m smart and funny.

Her: That works?

Me: No I’m terribly alone, I was just saying.


(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.