Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?