Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

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I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.


interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed


That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”


I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.


*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”


*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”


“Ladies, please report immediately to my pants.”

– Me, pretending I’m wearing pants.